GIFT  OF 
Mary  E.    Stockle 


'.avlamount 


I '" 


iniiiiiiiiitiiiiiq 

Mmillllllllllli1 


JOHNNIE'S 
LETTERS  HOME 

THE  RECORD 
OF  A  COLLEGE 
FRESHMAN 


II 


II 
II 

ii 
II 

I 

I 

\ 


"Zy  FRANKLIN  CUMMINGS 


:  = 


' 


" She  sed  at  fullest  kite, 

7  do  not  care  to  danse  to-nite.' " 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  RECORD 
OF  A  COLLEGE 
FRESHMAN 


<By  FRANKLIN  CUMMINGS 

ILLUSTRATED  BY  E.  D.  BILLS 


BERKELEY,  CALIFORNIA 

LEDERER,  STREET  6"  ZEUS  CO. 

1918 


COPYRIGHT,  1918 
By  FRANKLIN  CUMMINGS 


0 


To 

Merlin  C.  Hooper 
Johnnie's  Best  Friend. 


M  8968 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

FRESHMAN  RUBS      -        -        -  .     -        -        -         -         -         -7 

THE  FRESHMAN  RALLY     -_-.__--8 
AT  THE  DANCE       -        -        -        ...        .        .        -9 

SLINGING  HASH       ---------     10 

SKULL  AND   KEYS     --        -        -        -        -        -        -         -11 

THE  PAJAMARINO     -.....---12 

JUNIOR  FARCE  TRYOUTS     --.-----13 

THE  RECEPTION       ___.__---     14 
PIPING  THE  FLIGHT         -        --        -        -        -        -        -IS 

THE   OPERA     - -        -        -        -     16 

FOOTBALL  AND  NELLIE  -  ...-..-18 

NATIONAL  SERVICE     --..-..--19 
THE  BLUES     -        ....        .        -        -        -        .        -20 

BAD  COLDS       -        -  '      -        -        -        ....        -21 

THE  FAT  GIRL        -        -        -        -        --        -        -        -23 

THE  CURTAIN  RAISER      -        -     .  -        -        -        -         -        -24 

HOOVERIZING       ----------25 

THE  JUNIOR  PLAYS         --------    26 

A  RAINY  NIGHT  ......    28 

GOODBY     ------ 30 


JOHNNIES   LETTERS    HOMK 


FRESHMAN  RUBS 


Dere  fokes,  I  got  here  all  O.  K. 
But  wisht   I  mite  go  back  today, 
For  Kollidge  don't  agree  with  me, 
This  fact  alreddy  I  can  see. 
Nobuddy  waz  with  awe  struck  dumm, 
That  I  into  their  midst  had  cum. 
They  only  laff  when   I  go  by, 
And   sum   of  the   fellers   seem   to   lie 
In  wait  to  make  me  oft  perform 
For   them.      I    seem   to    have   took    by 

storm 

The   Soffymores  who  are  kwite  prowd 
To  show  me  off  before  the  crowd. 
And  so  whenever  I  step  out, 
They  swoop  upon  me  with  a  shout, 
And  lead  me  where  the  world  mite  see, 
And  poke  my  ribs  with   feendish  glee. 
When  I  got  here   I   wore  thet  hat 
Of   Granpa   Sizer's,   and   just    for   that, 
They    pounced    on    me    and    hollered, 

"Who 

Let  this  escape  from  out  the  Zoo  ?" 
With   dignity  I   sed,   "Be  off," 
Whereby  the  leader  did  mildly  coff 
In  apology  but  sed,  "On,  on, 
With   the  merriment."     This  wazz   the" 

dawn 
Of    my    kollidge    life.      They    led    me 

where 

Five    thouzand    peeple    with    eagre    air 
Awaited  my   advent,   kruel,   grim, 
Reddy  to  tear  me  limm  from  limm. 
Then    the    leader    sed,    "Remove    your 

cote, 
And    we'll    do    our    best    to    get    your 

gote." 
I    had    on    the   blowze    you    made    me, 

maw, 
And    the    sleevelets    that    I    got    from 

paw, 

The  purple   wuns  with   the   ribbins   at 
tached, 
The   goods   that   waz   used    when    your 

garters   waz    patched. 
This  luminary  site  did  fill 


My  captors  with  desire  to  kill;. 
They    turned    my    cote    sleeves    wrong- 
side  in, 

The   way   they   abuzed   me   waz   a    sin. 
My   shirt   tales  in   the   air   hung   loose, 
I  flapped  them  gently  like  a  goose. 
And   then   they  nabbed   anuther  guy, 
Whooze  jurney  in  their  path  did  lie, 
A   little   feller,   short   and   fat, 
Who  buzzed  aroun'  just  like  a  nat, 
They  put  us  on  a  line  together 
And     sed,     "Now,     Butter     Ball     and 

Fether, 

Deside  by  racing  which  shall  go 
Into    the   Kem.    Pond's   slimey   floe." 
So   eagre  waz  I,  I   lost  my  hed, 
And  started  before  the  word  waz   sed, 
Whereby  they  giv'   me  a   handycapp, 
Az   well   az    a   harsh    reproovin'    rap. 
But  just  the  same  I   set  the  pace, 
Determint  that  I  shud  win  the  race. 
The   fellers   formed  a  dubble   line, 
Which  waz  to  me  a  omminus  sine. 
And  when  we  run  the  gantlet  throo, 
A  ringing  stinging  feeling  grew, 
Where  they  had  paddled  az  we  passed 
To  make  us  cut  the  wind  more  fast. 
Six  times  we  lapped  the  oval  plot, 
And  now  I  gasped  and  felt  kwite  hot, 
My  kolleegue  waz  two  laps  behind, 
And  grinned  az  if  he  didn't  mind. 
Fin'lly  I   stopped  for  want  of  breth, 
And  felt  that  twud  be  certin  deth, 
But  then  a  Frosh  with  a  cap  on  came, 
And   saved  the  honner  of  my  name. 
I  slunk  away  in  the  cheering  throng, 
Feeling  that  I  waz  did  a  wrong. 
And  now  I  brethless  live  for  fear 
Sich  eppisoads  all  throo  the  year 
Will  happen.     O  I  wisht  that  I 
Back  in  my  attick  cot  cud  lie. 
I'll   write  to   you   agen  next  week, 
When  of  futchur  events  like  theze  I'll 

speek. 

Good  by,  nay  family,  ev'ry  wun, 
I  am  Your  Ever  Effectshunate  Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  FRESHMAN  RALLY 


Dere  Pa  and  Ma  and   Sister  Sue, 
And  Uncle  Tad  and  Heinle,  too, 
I    wisht   that   you    waz    here    last    nite, 
There  cum  nere  beein'   a  pitch-in  fite. 
Those    ornery    Sophs,    thot    they    wuz 

smart, 

But  we  had  dun  our  durndest  part, 
And    when     they     yelled,     "Bring     on 

more   wood," 

By  blud  just  biled,   I   cud  hav  stood 
And  nocked  their  heds  cleen   off  their 

nex, 

And   Heinie  noze  I'm  hard  to  vex. 
It  cum  about  in  the  Greek  Theeayter, 
The  fire  wuz  wuss  than  any  equayter, 
And,  God,  ma,  how  I  biled  and  swet, 
My  underware  wuz  ringing  wet. 
Those  durned   fool   Sophs,   kept  holler 
ing  "More," 

And  that  sure  made  us  Freshmen  sore. 
We  cud  have  fott  and  licked  them,  too, 
We  all  waz  in  just  sich  a  stew. 
But   we  done   rite   and   let   'em   be, 
But  next  time,  jist  you  wait  and  see. 
An   ole   man   with   a  beard    spoke, 
And  all   my  patritizm   awoke, 
I  wisht  that  you  had  bin  there,  paw, 
To  hear  him  tell  about  the   "wah." 


When  he  had  dun,  he  made  us  rize, 
And  sing  our  anthem  to  the  skies, 
My     throte     with     feelin'     seemed     to 

choke, 

And  as  I  sung,  my  durned  voice  broke, 
And  then  a  lot  of  banjoes  played, 
My  feelin's  now  with  joy  wuz  swayed. 
I  cud  have  hollered  rite  out  lowd, 
But     there     wuz     sich     a    durned     big 

crowd, 

I   wisht  my   clarinets   wud   cum, 
Pd    show    tnem    how    to    make    things 

hum. 

The  fire  wuz  low  and  all  wuz  dun, 
We   sure   had  had  a  heep  of   fun, 
And  then  we  did  the  serpent  green, 
It  wuz  a  site  wurth  beein'  seen. 
And    when    we'd    sung    "All    Fail,"    we 

lef 

And  marched  away  to  muffled  step. 
I'm   feelin'   fine   and   lookin'  pert, 
I  wisht  you'd  send  me  my  other  shirt, 
And   an   extry   sute   of  underware, 
Just  so  I'll  hav  it  round  to  spare. 
Goodby,  my  family,  ev'ry  wun, 
It's  aite  o'clock  and  I   must  run, 
I  am  your  ever  effectshunate  son, 

JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


AT  THE  DANCE 


Dere   family,   I  am  going  to  write 
About  the  danse  that  waz  last  nite. 
I  brushed  my  Sunday  Meetin'  best, 
And  let  my  good  looks  do  the  rest. 
I  took  the  girl  that  lives  next  dore, 
At  dansing  she  iz  awful  pore, 
I    cudn't   get    her    ennywhere, 
And  Lordy,  how  the  men  did  stare. 
We    reeched    the   Jim    at    quarter    tew 

aite, 

And  I   wuz  afeard   that  we'd  be   late. 
But  we  wuz  there  in  plenty  of  time, 
The  ball  begun  at  haff  past  nine, 
My  dame  and  me  cud  not  keep  step, 
I    feared    she'd    spile    my    soshial    rep. 
And  so  I  left  her  on  a  chair 
And  went  outside  to  get  sum  air. 
When  I  cum  back  I  saw  a  laydy 
That  beat  all  holler  my  pore  Sadie, 
So  I  up  and  sed,  "How  do  you  do  ?" 
She  ansered  coldly,  "Who  are  you?" 
I  smiled  my  best  and  told  my  name, 
And   sed   she  waz   a   classy   dame, 
To   which   she  sed   at   fullest  hite, 
"I  do  not  care  to  danse  to-nite." 
Seein'  a  womun  settin'  out, 
With  double   chins  and  sorter   stout, 
Who  hankered  for  the  look  of  pants, 
I  up  and  sed,   "Come  on,   let's  danse," 
And  so  I  carried  her  around, 
And     made     believe     she     wayed     wun 

pound, 


She  nesseled  up,  I  held  her  tite, 
We  made  an  awful  purty  site, 
The  only  thing  that  made  me  cuss 
Was  everybody  bumpin'  us, 
No    sooner   wud   we   start   out   gay 
Then  some  one  wud  obstruct  our  way. 
Of  course  it  made  me  overhet 
And,  Lordy !  how  I  biled  and  swet, 
But  still  I  had  a  real  good  time 
I'm  for  the  wimmen  and  the  wine. 
The  stuff  we  drunk  in  paper  cups 
Brought  on  a  case  of  the  hiccups, 
The     liquid     made     my     durned     head 

swim 

At  dancing  I  was  sure  all  in. 
And  so  we  left  at  haff  past  ten 
I  wish  we'd  gone  away  fore  then, 
For  just   as   I   was   going  out, 
Some   fellow  up   and   tried   to   spout. 
He   took   my   last   dime    fer    a   tag 
And  said  perhaps  I'd  get  the  flag, 
But  I  was  skeered  I'd  haff  to  speak 
And   so   I   out  and   made   a   sneek, 
Oh,    yes !     The    girl    won't    speek    next 

door 

But  I  should  worry  ennymore. 
There  ain't  no  use  a  bothering  bout 
These  feemales  who  expect  to  pout. 
Goodby,  my  family,  ev'ry  wun, 
It's   aite   o'clock   and   I   must  run, 
I    am   your    Ever    Effectshunate    son, 
JOHNNIE. 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


SLINGING  HASH 


Dere  Family :     I   am  going  to   work, 
Nobody   shuld   his   dooty    shirk 
In  times  like  these  when  we're  at  war 
And   everything's   gone   up    so    far. 
Sence  I'm  too  young  to  join  the  row 
And  ma  don't  want  me  to,  nohow, 
I   guess   I'll  help  in   other  ways, 
You  can't  my  patrittism  faze. 
I've  got  a  job  at  slinging  hash, 
Already    I    have   made   a    mash. 
The  wimmin  live  on   Channing  way, 
I   serve  two  meals  for  them  each  day, 
And   in   return   I   get  my  board 
And   five   big   dollars    for   my   hoard. 
I  wear  an  apron  pure  and  white, 
Between  times  I  can  take  a  bite 
Out   in   the   pantry    where    I    keep 
Myself   when   they've  begun  to   eat. 
I  have  to   strain  my  ears   a  bit 
To  catch  the  flow  of  steddy  wit 
That  rolls  off  forty-seven   tungs 
And  gasps  from  forty-seven  lungs. 
I  hand   it  to  those  wimmin  foke 
At     speech     they've     got    all     reckerds 

broke. 
There's  some  that's  talking  every  min- 

nit, 

The  others  never  could  be  in  it 
If  they  kept   quiet,   so   they   shout 
For  fear   that   they  will   be   left  out. 
A  great  thing  is  the  gift  of  gab, 
But  I  don't  see  how  they  keep  tab 
Of  what  the  others  all  are  saying 
When     they     themselves     are     likewise 

braying ! 

The  wimmin  talk   of   many   things — 
The  fat  one  always  lafter  brings; 
She's  real  good-natured  and  don't  mind 
When  to  her  size  they're  so  unkind. 


There's     one     girl     who     gets     many 

chances 

By  telefone  to  go  to  dances. 
She's  got  dark  hair  and  real  blue  eyes, 
And   as  to   men   she's  awful   wise. 
The  fone  keeps  ringing  all  the  time, 
"Now,  if  you'd  have  to  pay  a  dime 
Whenever  you   receive   a   call 
Perhaps  it  wud  be  best   for  all." 
Thus    spoke    the    housemarm    with    a 

smile, 

But  most  of  them  it  seemed  to  rile. 
"That  wud  be  fun  and  then  cud  we 
Enjoy  our  meat  and  sip  our  tea." 
It  was  the  fattish  girl  who  spoke, 
But  only   anger  she   awoke. 
"The  idea  of  such  an  absurd  thing," 
The  vampire  sed,  and   then   a   ring 
Called  her  again  and  as  she  went 
Her  anger  all  in  smiles  was  spent. 
When    they    had    done    they    up    and 

sung, 

My  heart  in  sympethy  was  wrung. 
"We'll   love  thee,  dear   sorority," 
The  words  come  from  the  minority. 
The     rest    played     with     their    napkin 

rings 

And  said  at  last  the  unsaid  things. 
I  like  these  wimmin.     They  inspire 
My     soul    to     long     for    things     much 

higher. 

Now  this  is  all  that  I  can  tell 
Today  as   I   don't  know   them   well. 
But     next     time     in     my     home-bound 

letter 

I  ott  to  know  them  whole  lots  better. 
Goodby,  my  family,  every  wun, 
It's  aite  o'clock  and  I  must  run. 
I   am  your  ever  effectionate  son, 

JOHNNIE. 


10 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


SKULL  AND  KEYS 


Dere  Family :    Ask  me  "Who  are  we  ?" 
Then  anser,  "Loyal  Skull  and  Key." 
They   had   their   running   yesterday, 
So-called  'cause  wimmin  run  that  way. 
These  wimmin  can't  run  fast  enuff, 
They're  crazy  about  that  kind  of  stuff. 
That  morning  fair  each  neofite 
Wuz  up  and  movin',  early  and  brite. 
They     had     them     dressed     in     funny 

clothes, 
And    made    them    ware    bright    kolored 

hose. 

At  noon  they  gave  the  dames  a  treat 
By  servin'  them  their  bread  and  meat. 
They   bust   in   on   us   with   much    noise 
And  most  disturbed  the  house  marm's 

poys. 

"We    wish    to    wait    upon   your    table." 
She   sed,   "We'll   see  if  you   are   able." 
And  then  they  took  my  tray  away 
And    sed    "You   have    a   holliday." 
I  stayed,  tho,  just  to  see  the  fun. 
The  girls   wuz   gigglin'   every  one. 
For  variety's  sake  they  called  on  each 
And  made  them  make  a  pretty  speech, 
And    then    they    had    them    danse    and- 

sing. 

Their  kapers  sure  did  laffter  bring. 
That  afternoon  at  haff  past  three, 
Agen  I  saw  the  Skull  and  Key. 
The  wimmin  flocked  out  to   Cal.  Field, 
Their  modesty  was  unreveeled. 
Pellanic  let  them   go   this   year ; 
They    went    with    mingled    hope     and 

fear. 
They   hoped   that   'twould   be    ruff    and 

wild, 

And  feared  lest  it  be  much  too  mild. 
It   did   one  good   to    see    them    there 
In  such  a  hushed  expectent  air. 
They     squeezed     each     other     in     the 

knees, 
And    laffed    when    in    cum    Skull    and 

Keys. 

A    saintly    fellow    led    the    throng — 
The  man  who  never  did  no  wrong. 


Then   cum   a   cave   man   big   and   ruff, 
The    wimmin    couldn't    clap    enuff. 
There    were    some    fellows    dressed    as 

wimmin, 

The  kind  that  like  to  go  in   swimmin, 
The     first     act     showed     them     sound 

asleep, 

Their  nighties  tucked  about  their  feet; 
And  then  they  up  and,  if  you  please, 
Their  nighties  went  up  to  their  knees. 
My  feelings  shocked,  I  turned  my  hed, 
And  blushed  with  shame  and  wud  have 

fled, 
But   the    wimmin    showed    no    signs   of 

leavin, 
And    so    I     stayed,    my    shocked    sole 

grievin. 

These  Alpha   Fleas,   for  it  was  they, 
Then   hurried   out  to  break   the  day, 
•By   tripping   forth    to   where    the    Pool 
Before   them   lay  so   green  and  cool. 
In  nature's  garb  they   splashed   around 
And,     strange    to     say,     remained    un- 

drowned. 

Then  Si,  the  swimmin  man,  awoke 
With  fear  and  rage  he  almost  choke. 
The  rest  of  the  show  was  just  as  bad, 
The  wimmin's  laffter  made  me  sad. 
They    had    one    act    which    was    riskay 
And  afterwards  they  tried  to  say 
That   Skull  and   Keys   knew   naught  of 

it, 

But  ennyway  it  made  the  hit. 
Where    I    with    shame    cud    most    have 

died, 

The   wimmin   looked   most   satisfied. 
That     nite     their     interest     knew     no 

death — 

They  talked  of  it  in  bated  breath, 
And  prayed  to  God  on  bended  knees 
To  bless  and  care  for  Skua  and  Keys. 
The  clock  strikes  aite  and  I'll  be  late, 
And  so   no   longer   can   I   wait. 
Goodby,  my  family,  every  wun. 
I  am  your  Ever  Effectionate  Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


11 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  PAJAMARINO 


Dere    fokes,    last    nite    the    fire   burned 

brite, 

Its  flames  rose  up  to  quite  a  hite. 
The  Greek  wuz  filled  up  everywhere, 
The  feemale  world  had  gathered  there, 
To  watch  with  fond  unmixed  deelite 
The  men  dressed  in  their  robes  of  nite. 
Sence    I    sleep   in    my    underware, 
I  didn't  think  that  it  wuz  fare 
That  all  the  men  pajamas  wore, 
I  cud  with  anger  most  have  swore. 
It  seems  the  housemarm  where  I  work 
Is  feared  lest  ther're  burglers  lurk 
Around  and  so   she  made  a  plan 
To   make   them   think   she   wuz  a   man. 
Whereby  no  nite  gown  does  she  ware, 
But  of  pajamas  dons  a  pair. 
I  borrowed  them  for  Thursday  nite, 
Their  ample  folds  waz  none  too  tite, 
But    I    should   worry    ennyway, 
For    wurryin'     makes    the    head     turn 

gray. 

The  rally  beat  most   enny  show 
That  ever  I   have  chanced   to   know. 
My  soal  wuz  all  aglow  with   zest, 
In    everything   I    done    my   best. 
I    yelled  and   hollered   awful   loud, 
And    of   my   singin'    I    wuz   proud. 
Of  att  the  many  golden  throtes, 
Not  enny  beat  my  heavenbound  notes. 
Amusement   'twas  not  ours   to   hunt, 
Each  class  put  on  a  komic   stunt. 
The    freshmen's   pellican   did   yawn, 
And  layed  eggs  rite  upon  the  lawn 
Wher   I   wud  never  dare  to   lie, 


Because   the   sophs,   wud   wunder   why. 
The  sophomore   stunt  wuz   awful  pore, 
Sum  fire  works  and  nothing  more. 
The   joonior    stunt   wuz    sure    a   peach, 
It   represented   Neptune   Beach, 
Where     all     the     plump      goodlooking 

wimmin 
Layed  in  the  sand  and  went  in  swim- 

min', 

Ther  wuz  one  fat  one  in  the  brine, 
To  see  whose  size  wuz  worth  a  dime. 
An    organ   grinder,    too,   wuz   there, 
Tne  monkey  sort  of  worse  for  wear. 
The   senior   stunt   wuz   dignified, 
My  fervent  heart  swole  up  with  pride. 
Four  unniforms  great  cheers  brung, 
As   on   the   theatre   wall   they   sung. 
The  wind  wuz  playin'  in  the  trees, 
And    caught   Old   Glory   to   the   breeze. 
It   wuz   a  most  inspiring   site 
And  woke  our  national  pride  that  nite. 
A   lot  of   other  things   took  place, 
For  which  I  haven't  any  space. 
The    music    wuz    that    syncopated 
Stuff  that  makes  you   animated. 
The  songs  were  qute  and  funny  too, 
The  speeches  short  and  sweet  and  few. 
And  now  I  must  at  my  first  chance, 
Put  back  my   dere  housemarm's   pants, 
Else   she  will  think   a  burgler   sure 
Is   lurking   round   her   bewdoir   door. 
Goodby,  my  family,  every  wun, 
The  clock  has  struck  and   I  must  run. 
I  am  your  Ever  Effectionate  Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


12 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


JUNIOR  FARCE  TRYOUTS 


Dere  fokes,  there's  going  to  be  a  play, 
Thats  held  each  yere  on  Joonior  Day. 
If    I   had   had   an   earlier    start 
I  think  I'd  take  the  leading  part, 
But  sense  its  Jooniors  they   desire, 
I'll  quench  my  hot  dramattic  fire. 
But  just  the  same  its  reel  amusing 
To  hear  them  Drama's  art  abusing. 
I  passed  the  Ark.   this  aiternoon 
Some   guy   was    spouting   like    a   loon, 
Attracted   by   the   sound   1    went 
Inside  and  half  an  hour  spent, 
inere,    clustered     round     tne     dredded 

dore, 

Were   torty  wimmin,  maybe  more. 
One  poor  lone  teilow  kept  the  peace 
And  soothed  them  like  so  many  geese. 
He  held  a  blue  book  in  his  hand 
And   tried  their  pressure   to    withstand 
By  telling  them  that  soon  the  dore 
Wud   open   to   let  in   some   more. 
And  then  we  felt  the  building  shake 
And  all  the  world  begin  to  quake.  - 
All  followed  by  a  roaring  sound 
Which    seemed    to    rumble    from     the 

ground. 
Our     beating     hearts     with     fear     wuz 

chilled 
Our    minds    with    strange    forebodings 

filled. 

The    wimmin    shrieked    and    clung    to 
gether 
The   Lone   Man   paled   and   blamed   the 

wether. 

The  dore  flew  open,  out  there  came, 
A  youth,  (I  do  not  know  his  name), 
Wild  eyed,  hot  cheeked,  dishevelled 

hair, 


A  panther  coming  from  his  lair. 
Here  wuz   the   cause  of  all  our  fear 
Alive  and  reely  walking  neer, 
Here  wuz  our  earthquake  if  you  please, 
Hed'd   merely   fallen   on   his  nees 
And  staboed  hisself  within  his  heart 
To    show    his    true    dramattic    art. 
The    wimmin   who    had   clamered   most 
Were  now  afraid  to  leave  their  post. 
They  argued  who  would  go  in  next, 
The  Lone   Man  pleaded,  almost  vexed. 
At  last  one  bolder  than  the  rest 
Announced  that  she  wud  do   her  best, 
And   as   she   quaking   entered   first 
She  sed,  "I'm  reddy  for  the  wurst.'' 
She   madly   clutched   in   one   firm   hand 
A   paper   which   she   offen   scanned. 
We  lissened  and  her  voice  was  low, 
The    paper    trembled    to    and    fro. 
She  red  each  word  although  she  sed 
She'd  memorized   it  in  her   hed. 
A  fat  girl  followed  her,  who  spoke, 
Her   voice   with    feeling    almost    broke. 
"Ha.  Villain,  draw  now,  yield  or  die !" 
Her  fattish  form  rose  up  reel  high, 
Her  voice  soared  up  in  tragic  tones 
And    made    me    think    of    skulls    and 

bones. 

And   so   I   let  them  fight   it  out, 
To  see  who  cud  most  nobly  spout. 
I   think   I'll   go   to   see   this  play 
When   it    cums    off   on    Joonior    Day, 
For   I    wud    really   quite   adore 
To   see  them   act   the   fool   some  more. 
Goodby,  my  family,  every  wun. 
I    am    your   Ever    Effectionate    Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


13 


JOHNNIE'S    LETTERS   HOME 


THE  RECEPTION 


Dere  family,   I'm  a  social  bud, 
Excitement's  tingling  in  my  blud ; 
I've  mingled  with  the  very  best 
And  think  I  made  a  stunning  gest. 
This  is  the  way  it  cum  about 
My   abilities    I    never   dout. 
The  fat  girl   where   I   work   told  me 
That    I    a    kweener   ott    to    be. 
I  sed,  "Come,  tell  me  little  wun, 
What  I  can  do  to   start  the  fun." 
She   spoke,   her   words   wuz  grave   and 

slow, 

"To  the  recepshun  you  must  go. 
It's  best  to  go   from  four  to   six 
And   then   you   will   avoid   the   fix 
Of  full  dress  clothes  and  Stetson  hat," 
(I  thanked  the  Lord  at  least,  for  that). 
And  so,  all   dyked  out  in   my   best, 
I   wuz  all   reddy   for   the  test. 
At  four  o'clock   I   rung  the  bell 
It   sounded   like   a   tolling   knell. 
A  young  dame  met  me  at  the  dore, 
And  looked  reel  dubious,  to  be  sure, 
But  just   the  same   I  entered  in 
And  looked  around  with  sheepish  grin. 
I  thought  I'd  entered  Fairy  bowers 
The  place  wuz  full  of  gauze  and  flow 
ers, 

The  wimmin   wuz   like   fairies   dressed, 
By  candel  lite  they  looked  their  best. 
They  flitted  everywhere,  so  sweet, 
I  hoped  there  wud  be  things  to  eat. 
And  then  I  past  down  a  long  line 
And  watched  the   Freshmen's   beds  in 
cline 


A  littel  as  I  onward  came 
And  heard  them  misconstrue  my  name. 
I  sed  to  each,  "It's  plesent  wether, 
For  us   to   make   Debews  together." 
There  wuz  one  there  that  I  cud  tell 
Wuz  going  to  be   a   campus  belle. 
But  as  for  that  they  all  wuz  fine 
Rite  down   the  whole  ding-busted  line. 
And  after  that  I  stood  around 
Until  the  eats  wuz  finally  found. 
Some  lady  brought  me  up  some  cake, 
'Twuz    good    but    made    my    stummick 

ake. 

Another  brot  sum  razberry  ice, 
And  smiled  and  spoke  to  me  reel  nice. 
And  so  the  hours   whiled  away, 
I  stayed  until  the  close  of  day. 
At  six  o'clock  the  setting  sun 
Set   on   my   social  dooties   done. 
The  first  to  cum,  the  last  to  go, 
I'd  done  my  part  from  bed  to  toe. 
And  when  I  passed  outside  the  dore, 
I'd  eaten  fore  times,  maybe  more. 
I  guess  I  shud  have  went  that  nite 
Agen,  the  sisters  to  delite, 
But  felt  that  I  had  done  my  part, 
So  cammed  the  yearnings  in  my  heart. 
I   like  recepshuns  and  such  things 
For  there  my  soal  with  plezure   sings. 
I  think  I  always  will  attend, 
My  time  with  gauze  and  silks  to  spend. 
In  the  home  town  paper  put  my  name 
And    tell    about   my    soshial   fame. 
Goodby,  my  family,  every  wun, 
I    am   your   Ever   Effectionate    Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


14 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


PIPING  THE  FLIGHT 


Dere  family,  I  am  proud  to  say 
I'm   better    looking    every   day, 
When  I  look  in  the  looking  glass, 
Which  I  always  do  whenever  I  pass, 
I   see  the  handsome  look  of  youth, 
My  mirror  always  tells  the  truth. 
The  wimmin  where  I  work  do  smile 
And    speak    real    gracious,    once    in    a 

while. 

I  think  the  ones  acrost  the  street 
Are  jealous  cause  they  cannot  eat 
With  me  around,  but  just  the  same, 
I   let  them  help  to   spread  my  fame. 
They   have   a  Joonier   over   there 
Who's  pretty  tall   and   passing   fair, 
She's  literairy,  in  a  way, 
And   writes    Dramatticks   up    each    day. 
She  says  that  akting  I   shud  try 
Because  my  looks  wud  get  me  by. 
Each   afternoon   I   wet   the   grass 
And  watch  the  different  wimmin  pass. 
A   lot   live   up   on    Channing   way 
I  see  them  pass  in  herds  each  day. 
And   now   I've   really   cum   to   know 
Just  how  to  pipe  the  passing  show. 
There's   sum   that  cum   way  down   the 

line, 

Who  mentally  are  very  fine. 
I   think   Hell's   deemons   they   cud  cure 
Their  faces  are  so  meek  and  pure. 
I  feel  ashamed  when  they're  around 
And    avert    my    eyes    and    watch    the 

ground, 

And  dig  my  toe  rite  in  the  lawn, 
And   wonder  why   God   had   me   bawn, 
The  wurld  being  bad  enuff  alreddy 
And  I   so  sinful  and  onsteddy. 
But  those  from  out  the  big  stone  paliss 
Don't  seem  to  bear  me  any  malice ; 
I  love  to  watch  them  as  they  pass 
I   hand  them  everything  for  class. 
Their  freshmen  bat  a  hundred  per  cent 


For  studying  they  wuzz  never  ment, 
There's  one,  a  goddess,  tall,  divine, 
Deliteful    shivers   mount    my    spine, 
When   she  goes  by.      I   cud   adore 
To  look  at  her  forevermore. 
And  then   the  ones  acrost  the   street 
Are   also    fine,    but    indiscreet 
At  telling  time  of  day,   I'm  told, 
In   gathering  new   ones   for  their   fold. 
And  still   I  don't  blame  them  for  this, 
When  it's  an  erly  hit,  or  miss. 
But  where  I  work,  I  love  it  most, 
And    of   my   wimmin   always   boast, 
Espechully  of  the  dark-haired  wun, 
Who  has  all  men  beneath  the  sun, 
Rite  at  her  feet  and  wanting  to  marry, 
And  pleading  that   she   will   not   tarry. 
I,  too,  with  her  wud  like  to  mate 
And   wouldn't  mind   an    erly   date. 
One  day  when  I  wuz  wetting  the  grass 
I   saw  her  leave  the  house  and  pass 
Before   me   with    a   lovely   smile 
For  which  most  men  wud  run   a  mile. 
I  watched  her  walk  in  fond  effection 
And  turned  my  hoze  the  wrong  direc 
tion, 

It  chanced  a  sweet  soal  up  the  line 
Was  passing  at   that  very  time. 
Because  a  wetting  she  received, 
She     looked     reel     hurt     and     almost 

peeved. 
I    blushed    with    shame    and    hung    my 

hed, 
She   looked   her    thoughts,   but   nothing 

sed. 

I  love  to  watch  the  wimmin   pass 
As   I  stand  out  and  wet  the  grass. 
So  God  please  keep  the  rains  away 
And  bless  them  all  on  Channing  way. 
And   now   its   time   for  me  to   run, 
I  am  your  Ever  Effectionate  Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


15 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  OPERA 


Dere  fokes,  I  am  a  Operra  lover, 
And  henceforth   I   shall  always   huvver 
Around   when   there    are   music   shows, 
My     enthusiazm     to     disclose. 
Last  nite  to   Oakland   I    did  go, 
To  see  the  Treble  Clef's  big  show, 
I  kweened  a  wuman  who  wuz  nice 
And   to  the   evening  added   spice. 
Because  the  distance  wuz  so  far, 
We  had  to  ride  there  on   a   car ; 
Such    luxuries    wuzn't    ment    for    me 
But  then  I  had  this  gal,  you  see. 
Our  setes  wuz  in  the  second  row 
From  whence  we  clearly  saw  the  show. 
I    had    a   bag   of   peppermints 
For  I'm  a  guy  that  never  stints 
On   sich   occasions,   Goodness  no  ; 
On  all  sides  I  hand  out  my  dough. 
The  show  begun  a  little  late, 
The  kurtain   seemed   to   hesitate, 
But  when  it  rose,  whut  did  we  see 
But  a  big  ship  rolling  on  the  sea. 
Of  course  it  took  no  second  hints 
To  make  me  lav  off  the  penpermints, 
And   even   so   I   squeamish    felt 
And  rubbed  the  reeions  'round  my  belt. 
I  nrayed  as  painfully  I  waited, 
"Oh,  God,  don't  make  me  nawsiated," 
I  tried  my  best  those  kwalms  to  chase, 
And  bear  the  ordeal   with   good   grace. 
And  then  a  flock  of  wimmin  came 
And  saved  the  luster  of  my  name. 
They  sang  and  danced  and  looked  real 

pert, 

As  all  their  charms  they  did  assert. 
But  wun   among  them   got   seasick 
Agen     my     stummick     commenced     to 

prick, 

I  thot  I  wud  my  dame  disgrace, 
But  wuz    skeart  to   move,    so   kept   my 

place. 


At  last  the  hero  entered  in — 
A  red-haired  guy  with  a  happy  grin. 
He  sed  that  he  wuz  off  the  girls 
But  when  he  saw  that  row  of  perls, 
That    gleamed     frum     out     Narkisser's 

mouth, 

I  knew  the  plot  of  "Thirteen  South." 
Narkisser   wuz   a   spritely   dame. 
She's    erly    won    her   way   to    fame. 
The     Klappers     sat     down     front     and 

cheered 

And   klapped    real    loud   when    she    ap 
peared. 

There  wuz  a  stewardess  on  the  ship 
Both  strong  of  arm  and  big  of  hip, 
Who   took    a   lot   of   exercise, 
In  hopes  she  might  reduce  in  size. 
A    fashion   plate   wuz   also    there, 
I  marveled  at  whut  she  didn't  ware, 
But   when   the   ship  wuz    safely   sunk 
And  of  the  salty  brine  they'd  drunk. 
And  had  safely  reached  a  cannibal  ile. 
To   be  eaten   by   royalty   after  while. 
The  native  maidens  in  scanty  attire. 
Appeared,  to   set  my   seal   on   fire, 
Their  soople  forms  and  dusty  eyes. 
Transported    me   to    Paradize. 
The  gambler  and  the   stowaway 
On   them   fond   looks  did  also   lay. 
The     seasick    woman    with    fear    wur 

filled, 
That   she    and    the   others   wud    all   be 

killed. 
And    then    the    stowaway    solved    the 

solution 

And  saved  the  day  by  a  revolution. 
And  then  a  white  sail  did  they  spy, 
A  welcum  ship  cum  rolling  by ; 
And   so   all  troubles  now  suspended, 
The  lovers  kissed  and   all  wuz  ended. 
The   authors   sat   rite   back   of  me 


16 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


I  shook  their  hands  in  joyful  glee  I  got  to  bed  at  wun  o'clock 

And    told    them    how    I'd    liked    their  And  slumbered  like  a  hevvy  rock, 

oppera  I  dreamed  of  all  those  purty  girls, 

Especially  the  part  that  wuz  improper ;  Their  forms,  their  eyes,  their  rows  of 
At  which  they  smiled  and  looked  real  pearls. 

glad,  And  now  it's  late  and  I  must  run, 

That  I  a  good  time  there  had  had.  I  am  your  Ever  Effectionate   Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


17 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


FOOTBALL  AND  NELLIE 


Dere  fokes,  tomorrow  comes  the  Game, 
I    hope    our   luck   will   be   the   same 
As  on  last  Satterday  when  we  beat 
The    Oregon   Aggies   off   their   feet. 
We   are  all   reddy   for   the   fray, 
Our    fiteing    team    in    strong    array. 
Coach   Handy  Smith  has  done  his  best 
To  fit  them   for  the   supreme  test. 
My   blood   is   tingling   for   the  fite 
I   can  hardly  wait  jist  over  nite. 
At   first   I    thot    I   cudn't   go, 
I'd  spent  so  much  at  the  Oppera  show, 
For  peppermints   and    street   car   fares 
And  things  which  cum  up  unawares. 
I   laid   awake  at  nites   and   thot, 
My      joyless      feelings      wracked      and 

wrowt. 

And  finally  one  nite  in  a  dream 
There     cum     to     me     this     well     layed 

skeem. 

Next  day  I  went,  made  my  confession 
And  got  me  a  job  with  a  peanut  con 
cession. 

I'm   also   selling   ice   cream   kones, 
I'll  shout  their  koolness  in  loud  tones. 
And  so   I'll  get  to  see  the  Game 
And   get   excited   just    the    same 
Az   if   I   wore  a   rooter's  cap 
To   feebly  yell  and   mildly   clap. 
There'll  be  sum  in  the  rooting  section 
For  whom  I  won't  have  enny  effection. 
The  kind  that  make  a  awful  noise 
When  things  go  smoothly  for  our  boys, 


But  who,  when  there  ain't  any  luck, 
(Which  don't  mean  that -there  ain't  no 

pluck), 

Can    only   show   their   gift   of   gab 
In  one  long  whining,  skunklike  crab. 
Az   if  they'd  have  the  nerve  each  day 
To   go   out   in   a   kwiet   way 
And  get  all  battered  up   like  hell, 
When    parlor    snakes    won't    even    yell 
For   them ;   it   is   a  slacker's   act 
To   crab,   and  yet   it   is  a    fact 
That  they  will  do  it,   sure  as  sin, 
Shud  onexpected  snares  begin. 
And  yet  I  am  so  sure  we'll  win, 
I    bet   the   oppel   neckty   pin 
That  Sis  giv  me  two  years  ago 
That    Krismas    when    there    wuz    sum 

snow. 

Say,  Ma,  have  we  by  chance  enny  kin, 
Named   Nellie,   with   a   sliding   chin? 
She    claims    relationship    with    me, 
And    I'm    as    puzzled    as    can    be. 
I    think   she's   nuts   myself,   but   then 
Sum  wimmin  fall  so  hard  for  men 
That   they  must   make   them   kinsfokes 

nere 

And  hang  on  them  and  call  them  dere. 
But  I'll  look  out  and  take  good  keer 
Of  myself,  so  please,  ma,  don't  you 

fear. 

Goodby,  my  family,  every  wun, 
I   am   your  Ever   Effectionate   Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


18 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


NATIONAL  SERVICE 


Dere   fokes,   I  write  with  hevvy  heart, 
I   feel  I   haven't  done  my  part 
About  this  war.     In  many  ways 
I've   wasted  all   these  preshus   days 
In  actin'  like  a  millionaire 
While    they    are   fiteing   over   there. 
To  think  that  I  cud  go  to  teas 
And  shows  and  other  things  like  these, 
And    spend    my    money    for    ice    cream 

kones 

When  Yurope  is  ailing  with  the  groans 
Of  dying  soldiers.     U  to  think 
That  1  cud  sody  water   drink 
And  visit  movin'  pitcher  shows 
While  they  are  ritem'  against  our  foes. 
It  ain't  rite,  God;   no  it  ain't  rite, 
That   I    shud   iritter   while   they   fate. 
I'm     much     ashamed,     my     konscience 

knows, 

To  be  a  blooming  soshial   rose 
While  they  are  going  through  hell  and 

fire 

To  raise  the  plain   of   freedom  higher. 
About   such  things  as  these   i   worry 
And  now  I'm  going  to  tell  you  a  story 
About   a  man   who   cudn't  fite 
Bekawse   the  Germans  held  him   tite 
Within  a  dirty  prison  camp 
His  mental  powers  to   kill  and  kramp. 
He  had   sum  clothes  and  bread  to   eat 
And   broken   shoes   to   hide   his    feet, 
But  what  he  starved  for  wuzn't  bread 
Or  shoes  or  even   a  fether  bed. 
He  didn't  mind  the  fizzickle  pain 
But  feared  lest  he  mite  go   insane 
For  lack  of  things  to  stir  his  mind 
Which  is  essential  to  mankind. 
It  drives  one  nuts  to   see  each  day 
The  same  gray  walls.     The  battle  fray 


At  least  gives  akshun  and  a  sense 
Of  fiteing   for  a  cawse   immense, 
But  in   the  prison  kamps  men  die 
And   no   one   even   kwestions   why. 
With  neether  folks  nor  comrades  nere 
They   die   and   no   one   sheds   a   tear. 
And  those  who  live  do   live   in   vain 
For  most  of  them  will  go  insane. 
The   man   I'm   telling  you  about 
Wuz   desperet  so   he  used   to   spout 
Out   loud,   and   also   figgers   add 
To  keep  hisself  from  going  mad. 
But  then  he  grew   to  hate   his  voice 
And   since   there   wazn't  enny   choice 
He  sat  and  thought  the   live  long   day 
Az  in  his  prison  kamp   he  lay. 
At  nite   he  used  to   shreek   out   loud 
And     sob,     his     head     now     gray     and 

bowed. 

To   save   such   men   there   is   a  way 
And    so    on    Nashional    Service    Day 
I'm  going   to   do   my  part   and   give 
All  that  I  can,  that  they  mite  live. 
A  magazine,  a  book  or  two 
Will  often  pull  a  sick  man  throo. 
Tis  hard  to  realize,  but  true, 
The   miracles   that    books    can    do. 
So   henceiorth,  tho'   I   come  to   grief 
I'll  give  my  all  to  War  Relief, 
So  to  the  bank  I  now  must  run. 
I  am  your  Ever  Effectionate   Son, 

JOHNNIE. 
P.  S.— 

In  my  enthusiasm  I   forgot  to  say 
We  won  the  Game  the  other  day, 
And  so  I  have  my  necktie  pin 
And  the  fellow's  dollar  who  didn't  win 
His  bet.      All  these   I'm  going   to  give 
That   over   there    the   men   may   live. 


19 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  BLUES 


Dere  fokes,  I'm  feelin'  awful  blew 
But  still  I'm  sure  it  wudn't  do, 
For  me  to  linger  on  my  sorrow 
I   know   I   always   hate   to  borrow 
The   greefs  of   other   peeple.      So 
I'l  speek  no  further  of  my  woe 
Except  to  say  that  I  wud  give 
Ten  years  of  this  life   we   live 
To  meet  the  Kizer  face  to  face 
With  no  one  else  around  the  place. 
And  then  for  God  to  give  me  strength 
To  stretch  my  arm  back  at  "full  length 
And  hit  him  skwarely  in  the  noze 
And   all  his  billious  blood  expoze. 
To  me  it  wud  give  plezure  grim 
To    knock   the    stuffins    out    of   him. 
His  blud  thirst  takes  my  friends  away, 
Wun   of   them   left   this   very   day. 
Kwite  soon  I'll  be  the  only  male 
To  listen  to  the  wimmin's  wail. 
Oh,   God,   'twud  be   a  awful  day 
So  end  the  war  soon,  pleze,   I  pray. 
Sence  they  don't  like  my  youthful  look 
In  the  army,  I  think  I'll  be  a  cook. 
For  that  wud  get  me  over  there, 
And  may  be  I'd  reech  the  Kizer's  lair. 
But   now   to    turn    to   plezent   things, 
My  landlady's  dawter  loudly  sings 
Both  morning,  evening,  noon  and  nite, 
She  helps   to   drive   us   men  to   fite, 
For  Unkle   Sam   she   does   her   bit 
For  men  wud  rather  die   than   sit 
Around  and  hear  her  high  shrill  notes 
The    kind    that    rize    from    feemale 
throtes. 


Another  thing  that  makes  me  mad 

Iz  the  way  in  which  these  wimmin  are 

clad. 

Each  time  I  see  a  brite  pink  swetter 
I  think,  "Just  one  more  shackled  fetter, 
For  Freedom's  cawse.  Just  one  more 

soal 

In   France  is   friz  for  woman's  toll." 
The  feemale  speshees  I  know  full  well 
And  all  their  vises  I   can   tell. 
There  iz  wun  kind,  the  baby  type, 
With   fluffy   hare   and   lips   red   rype, 
Who  hate  the  thot  of  sword  and  gun, 
Bekawse  they  won't  have  so  much  fun. 
These    are    the    kind    who    sometimes 

gnit 

(But  not  a  soldier's  chest  to  fit). 
Then  there  are  those  who  hate  the  war 
Bekawse  it  takes  some   sweet  hart   far 
Away.     I  like  these  wimmin  better, 
They     mostly     gnit     the     thick     brown 

swetter. 
Then    there    are    those    who    know    no 

wun 

At  war,  who  could  even  now  have  fun, 
To  whom  ail  soldiers  are  their  friends, 
They    use    their   time    to    noble    ends — 
Gnitting    for    men    they    never    knew 
Ruff  men   who  vile  tobakky  chew. 
These  are  the  wimmin  I  admire 
Their  goodness  sets  my  soal  on  fire. 
I   sed  before  that   I   wuz  blew, 
So    will   not   longer   bother   you. 
Goodby,  dere  family,  every  wun, 
I  am  your  Ever  Effectionate   Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


20 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


BAD  COLDS 


Dere  fokes,  I  have  a  awful  cold, 
My  noze  is  sumthing  to  behold, 
Its  red  and  tender  to  the  touch, 
From  having  had  to  blow  it  so  much. 
No    sooner   do    I    get    through    blowing 
Than  agen  my  noze  iz  overflowing. 
Which  makes  it  very  irrytating 
When  one  a  letter  is  kreating. 
I  don't  see  why  I  caught  this  cold, 
I  just  had  had  my  shoes  haft'  soled. 
That  it  shud  cum  now  iz  tew  funny, 
Rite  after   spendin'   out   that   money, 
My     shoes     had     holes     in     them     for 

munths, 

And  still  I  never  sniffled  wunce. 
My   handkercheef   iz    wringing    wet, 
But  it  I  am  a  using  yet. 
I  hang  it  on  the  lamp  to  dry 
But  still  do  fear  I'll  haff  to  buy 
Another   one   to   take    its  place 
Sence  I  do  need  more  blowin'  space. 
I   went  to  bed  this   afternoon 
And  don't  think  I'll  get  up  very  soon. 
The    housemarm    where    I    work    does 

spoil 

Young   people.    She   giv    me    caster    oil 
She  says  she  makes  the  girls  take  sum, 
When  they   are  sick   and   feeling   bum. 
And  also  when  they've  nawty  been 
And  forgot  to  keep  their  nites  within 
She  holds  their  nozes  and   gives   them 

oil, 
Which    makes    their    wattery    blood    to 

boil, 

The  fat  girl  also  wuz  verry  nice 
And  offered  me   sum  good  advice. 
She  sed  "Whenever  your   noze   is  red, 
Of   course  you   ott   to   go    to   bed, 


Ef  you  don't  look   out,   yourself   you'll 

kill," 
Sayin'   which,  she   gave   me   a   Kalamal 

pill. 

The   dark-haired   girl   wuz    feelin'    fine, 
And   give    me    five    grams    of    kwinine. 
When   I   got  home   my   landlady   sed 
"You  seem  to  have  cawt  cold  in  your 

hed." 

In   feeble  protest  I  arose 
And  sed  "It's  mostly  in  my  noze." 
She    sed    "There's    nuthin'    so    kwickly 

halts 

A  cold  az  a  good  strong  dose  of  salts." 
I    paled    and    even    my    noze    turned 

green, 

I    shrunk  up   like   a  ded   sardine, 
But  she  wuz  firm  and  had  her  way 
I    drunk   them   down,  and   now    I   pray 
"With   all   this   medicine,    oh    God, 
Please  keep  my   hed   abuv   the   sod." 
This  sure  has  been  a  tryin'  week, 
And  now   my  noze  and  I   don't  speak, 
For  it  is  red  and  I   am  blue, 
And  colds  disgust  me  throo  and  throo. 
At  nite  it  bothers  me  the  most, 
For  tho  with  castor  oil  I'm  dosed, 
My  hed  gets   stopped   up   on   one   side, 
Where  breething  iz,  of  course,   denide. 
If    I    turn    over    in    the    nite, 
Both    sides    get    stopped    up    good    and 

tite, 

And  so   my  mouth  takes   in   the   air, 
And  I  make   funny  sounds  and   swear. 
I'm  all  stopped  up  now,  if  you  please, 
And  so   I'll   give   a  final   sneeze. 
Goodby,  dere  family,  every  wun, 
I   am  your  Ever  Effectionate   Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


21 


"She    met    the    spilt    pie    unawares.' 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  FAT  GIRL 


Dere    fokes,   the   world    and    me   don't 

jibe, 

To  the  fat  girl  I   wud   fain   ascribe 
All    manner    of    dire    things    big    and 

small 

For  she's  the  one  who  cawzed  it  all. 
I've    been    serving    brekfusts    there    of 

late 

So   that   my   purse   wud    add    on    wate. 
I  knew  the  fat  girl  wuz  kwite  big, 
But  when  I  saw  her  morning  rig, 
I  gasped  and  thanked  the  Lord  that  I 
Of  flesh   had  much   less   a   supply. 
She  waddled  in  at  quarter  tew  nine 
And    sed    "For    wonce    I'm    down    on 

time." 

Az  in  her  chair  she  softly  sunk 
Into  mineyute  partikkles  I  shrunk. 
Where  before  I  thot  three  hundred 

pounds 

Wud  take  in  all  her  whale  like  bounds 
I   now   knew   that   I'd   reckoned   low, 
For  over  nite  she  seemed  to  grow. 
At   lunch    she    seems    to    korsets    ware, 
She  always  has  that  hitched-up  air. 
Now   korsets   sure  are   splendid   geer 
To  make  fat  wimmin  thin  appear, 
But    far    from    kumfort-ble,    I    s'pose, 
In   which   one's   fatness  to   repose. 
And   so   they   only   wear  them    when 
They  are  around  where  there  be  men. 
And  so  my  fat  girl  wares  a  kimona 
(The   cne   that   Kitty    Tubbs    did    loan 

her) 

In  which  her  form  has  full  expansion 
And  holds  one's  undivided  skanshun. 
Three  chairs  must  needs  her  fat  form 

greet 
Which   creek  when   them    and   she   do 

meet — 


And    when     she's    set    down,    full    of 

pride, 
There's     still     some     fat     that     hangs 

overside. 

She  sed  from  out  her  seventh  chin 
"Pm  on   a   diet   to  get   thin." 
She  glanced  down  sourly  at  her  legs 
And    sed    "Just    bring    me    scrambled 

eggs 
And  a  bowl  of  mush   and   tosted  korn 

flakes 
And    some    of    the    Heathen's    lethery 

kakes 
And  sum  koffee"  (and  then  she  winked 

her   eye) 

"Just  slip  me  a  slice  of  last  nite's  pie," 
This  skimpy  brekfust  I   did   bring, 
And  pitied  much  the  pore  little  thing. 
But  when   I   cum   to   bring  her   pie 
With  sudden  laffter  I  thot  I'd  die, 
And   let  the   plate   slip    from   my   hand 
Which  on  the  dirty  floor  did  land. 
And  then  I  chilled.     All  wuz  a  hush 
Except    her    taking    in    the    mush. 
The  pie   lay   in    a   gooey   heap, 
I    cudn't   find   a   broom   to   sweep 
It   up    so    left   it   there 
And  hoped  the   fat  girl  wudn't  care. 
But   when   she   left  to   go  upstairs 
She  met  the  spilt  pie  unawares. 
With  a  mitey  thud  she  hit  the  floor, 
And  I  flew  out  the  nerest  dore. 
She  sets  on  cushions  now,  they  say, 
And   I'm   not  loved   on    Channing  way, 
So    fear   I'll   get  my   walking   papers 
Bekawse   of   all   these   kweer   kapers. 
Goodbye,  dere  folks,  and  pray  that  she 
Will   never   chanst   to   fall   on   me. 
And  now   its   late  and   I   must  run, 
I  am  your  Ever  Effectionate  Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


23 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  CURTAIN  RAISER 


Dere  fokes,  do  you  remember  the  play, 
I    wrote    you    wuz    comin'    on    Joonior 

Day? 

Next   Satterday   at  the   T.   and   D. 
This   joonior  play  is  going   to   be. 
Now   I   shall  be  there,   you  may   know, 
Its  going  to  be  a  pippin   show. 
There'll   be    two    plays    that    afternoon, 
And    I    shall   be    on    hand    kwite   soon. 
The  first  to  greet  the  theayter  gazer, 
Will  be  the  Nineteen   Kurtin   Razor. 
I've  seen   them  praktiss   for  the   show, 
And   so   about   it    all    I   knoe. 
It  calls  for  lots  of  purty  girls, 
The    kind     that     grin     and     toss     their 

kurls. 

The  scene  iz  layed  in  a  sorority  house, 
Where  wun   of  the  sisters   elopes  with 

sum  louse. 

.At  least   she  thinks   she   will   elope, 
With  her   sweet   hart   by  the   hung-out 

rope. 

But  onexnected  thinors  occur. 
Which  cawe  her  heart  no  linle  stir. 
Now   Moner    (that's    the    sweet   thing's 

name). 

Will    shorely    weep    her    way    to    fame, 
In    the    Fin    Alley   where    she    sobs, 
My    hart    iust    akes    and    brakes    and 

throbs. 

But  even   a   bi^eer  tear   I'll   squeeze 
For    the    pore    little    Freshman    on    hiz 

knees. 

The  kwakinsr  trembling  Neofite, 
Iz    being    initiated    that    nite. 
To  the   sorority  house   the  kid   they've 

sent, 

His  inward  terrors   to   augment. 
But    before    he    reaches    the    dredded 

place, 


Sum  ornery  burgler  shows  his  face, 
And  skeers  the  sisters  haff  to  death 
(The  awediance  here  will  hold  its 

breth). 

One  poor  weak  sister  points  a  gun, 
At  which   the   others   skreech   and  run, 
More  skeart  of  it  than  of  the  theef, 
And   then   the   housemarm   comes   with 

greef, 

And   says,  "This  iz  the   Nearfight, 
He's  harmless  and  he  dozen't  bite." 
But  other  sounds   of  burglers  nere, 
Agen   fill   up   their  harts  with    fear, 
And   so   they  call   the  campus  cop, 
And  then  who  on  the  staee  shud  flop, 
But   Bertie  Jones,   the   Nereflite, 
A  awful  trembling  nale  green   site. 
Az    throo    the   windoe    he    enters    in. 
The   awedience   iz    supnosed   to   crrin. 
The    con    doze    treet    him    pretty    ruff, 
The    kid    beeing    small    and    far    from 

tuff. 

And    then    who    shud    come    sailing    in. 
But  the  lover   (God  knows  where  he's 

bin). 

Sweet   Moner   flvs   to   hiz    embrace, 
A   broad  grin  creeps  all  over  his  face, 
The  way  she  smiles  at  him   so   glad, 
Don't   seem  to  make  him  the  least  bit 

mad. 

The  plot   iz    far   more   comnlikated. 
Than     in     these     few     words     I     have 

stated. 

But    after    all    its    happily    ended, 
The  lovers'  arms   are  titely  blended, 
And  then  there  cums  the  longer  show, 
About   which    you    will    later   know, 
Goodby,  my  family,  ev'ry  wun, 
I    am   your   Ever    Effectionate    Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


24 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


HOOVERIZING 


Dere   fokes,  what  are  we  coming  to, 
When  people  do  the  things  they  do, 
How   one   a   hyperkrit  can   be, 
And  still  get  by,   I  cannot  see. 
And  yet  within  our  college  throng, 
There's  many  who  are  akting  wrong, 
They're     peeple     here     with     lots     of 

money, 
Who    think    they're    akting    smart    and 

funny, 

Bekawse  they  still  rich  things  can  buy, 
When  there  are  places  where  men  die 
From  lack  of  warmth  and  lack  of 

food, 
While    here    their    comrades    still    get 

stewed, 

And  etc  ixpensive  fattening  things, 
The  kind   that  indigestion  brings. 
And  tho   the  prices   are   soaring   high, 
There  still   are   wimmin   who   can   buy, 
New  dresses  ev'ry  week  or  so, 
That    they    admiring    looks    may    knoe, 
From     those      few      men      that      hang 

around, 
But     not     from     me.       A     sheer    well 

gowned, 

In   times  like  these   iz  out  of  place, 
She  needn't  look  me  in  the  face. 
For  I   will  wilt  her  then   and  there, 
In  one  long  lingering  frizzen  stare. 
Then  there  are  those  who  still  can  go 
To  the  Voracity  ev'ry  day  or  so, 
Since  men  wont  take   them   ennymore, 
They  say,  "You  cannot  make  us  sore," 
And  go   alone  and   etc  and  stuff, 


And    never    knoe    when    they've    had 

enuff. 

They  always  go  to-gether  Dutch, 
And  of  nut  Sundays  etc  tew  much. 
I  knoe  one  girl   (a  sister  weke), 
Who  never  can  a  sentence  speek, 
Without  referring  to  things  to  etc, 
To    cold   iskream   with   sirrup   sweet, 
And   choklitt  malts   and   walnut   fudge, 
From    the    Voracity    her    you    cannot 

budge. 

I  figured  out  the  other  day, 
That  if  one  month  she'd  keep  away, 
And  to  Releef  the  money  give, 
Three  babies   and   a   haff   wud  live, 
In  starving  Belgium   for  a  yere, 
Kept  safe  from  Hunger's  nawing  fere. 
But    she    cud    never    do    without, 
These  things  which  tend  to   make  you 

stout. 

However  there  are  those  who  do, 
I'm  proud  to  say   (tho'  they  are  few;, 
They  live  high  up  on  Ridge  Rodeway, 
(Whence    to    the    Pool    they    sumtimes 

stray). 

I've  seen  them  pass  the  Voracity  dore, 
And  look,  but  keep  strate  to  the  fore. 
They  send  their  well  erned  mites  to 

France 

The  soldyure's  kumfort  to  enhance. 
These  kind  of  girls  I  love  to  knoe 
Az  on   their  lovely  paths  they  go. 
But  now,  dere  folks,  I  too  must  go, 
In  writing  pleze   don't  be   so   slow. 
Goodby,   dere   family,   every  wun, 
I    am    your    Ever    Effectionate    Son, 
JOHNNIE. 


25 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


THE  JUNIOR  PLAYS 


Dere   fokes,   the   Nineteen   Joonier   day 
Deserves   to  get   a  better   bowkay 
Than    the    kritick    with    overly    tender 

mind 
In  the  vulgar  "low  comedy"  stuff  cud 

find. 

Now  as   for  me,  I   thot   it  funny 
And  very  much  worth  while  my  mon- 

ney, 

To  see  Mrs.  Tubb  in  her  bathing  suit, 
The    woman    was    doing    her    best    to 

dilute 

Herself  and  so   she  didn't  rush 
Away   and  hang  her  hed  and  blush. 
But  let  us  view  her  ampul  form, 
Which  tuk  the   awedience  by  storm. 
The  kritick  with   his  sinnickle   eye, 
His  ere   so   sensitive,   so   shy, 
Kompletely  failed  to  mentshun  sum 
Of    the    fokes    who    helped    to    make 

things    humm. 

In  the  Kurtain  Razor  he  failed  to  see 
The   brimming  blue   eyes   of   fair   Mar- 

jorie, 
Az    she    gave    her    frend    Enid    a    last 

farewell 
And     eloped     with     the    burglar.       He 

didn't    tell 

Of  the  sister  who  held  the  pistol  tite 
When    the   burglar    creeped    in    in   the 

dead   of  nite, 

And  he  didn't  devote  a  single  breth 
To  the  cop,  who   skeart  the  Freshman 

to  death, 
Or   the    housemarm    with    her    frizzled 

hair, 


Or  the  little  maid  with  the  chubby  air. 
In    the    "Medicine    Man"    he    gave    all 

glory 

To  the  overgrown  woman  of  the  story. 
Now   Sweet  Kitty  Tubb  had  her  form 

to    help    out, 
While  other  poor  mortals  who   weren't 

so   stout, 
Had    to    work    awful    hard    and    use 

many     ways, 
To     win     from     the    awedience     their 

small  meed  of  praise. 
"Ruth  Ruin,"  the  nurse  sure  done  her 

part   well, 
And   even    the   kritick   her   praises   did 

tell, 

About  the  songster  he  was  dumm, 
I  guess  she  broke  his  ere  drum. 
The   skittish   widow  won   my   heart, 
And  I  am  going  to  take  her  part, 
If  I'd  bin  there  she  cud  have  had 
Me  for  her  man  and  I'd  been  glad. 
Of  her  he  wrote  not,  nor  her  beaugh, 
(The  handy  man,  who  wuz  so  slow), 
He    plumb    forgot    the    buggy    man, 
Who   after   bugs   and  spirits   ran, 
The  worn  out  woman  with  the  nerves, 
The    French    maid    running    round    in 

curves, 

For  these  oblivion  he  wud  have, 
But  I  will  bring  my  healing  salve, 
And  paint  anew  their  saddening  faces, 
And    save    them    from    the    shadowey 

places. 

The    greatest    knme    he    perpretrated, 
Iz  still,  dere  family,  to  be  stated. 


26 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


The   Wun    who    most   held   our   atten- 

shun, 
The    Bewtiful   Wun   received   no   men- 

shun. 

He  passed  her  by  without  a  word, 
And  this  my  feelings  sure  has  stirred. 
Pat  Hayden  knew  that  she  wuz  grand, 
/\nd  luvely,  he  cud  understand, 
But  kriticks,   with  their   dry   teckneek, 
With    such    sweet   things    wuzn't   ment 

to    speak. 

Another  thing  to  my  mind  now  rizes. 
Twuz   when   Kitty  Tubb   took   her   ex 
ercises, 
He   plumb   forgot,    az    she   danced   her 

jig, 
How    she    danced    too    much    and    lost 

her    wig, 

And  another  time  he  wuzn't   aware, 
That    one    of    the    girls    had    tipped    in 

her   chair, 
And    balanced    in    mid    air    and    most 

cum   to   greef, 


Perhaps    these    were    all    in    his    un 
written   leaf. 

But  jist  the  same,  the  show  got  by, 
And  folks  have  praised  it  to  the  sky, 
The  authors  sure  can  feel  reel  proud, 
I  wisht  that  God  pore  me  had  en 
dowed 
With  sum  of  the  brains  that  they 

have    got, 

I'd  fire  the  world  and  make  it  hot. 
I'm   glad   I   saw   the  Joonier   plays, 
I'll  think  of  them  and  laff,  always. 
But  now,  my  lengthy  discurse  ended, 
I  hope  our  smypethies  are  blended, 
May   kampus    Kriticks  here   take   heed, 
And  may   I  never   never  read, 
Agen   the  kind  of  stuff,  I  pray, 
That  in  the  Cal.  I  red  to-day. 
Goodby,  dere  family,  ev'ry  wun, 
I   am  Your  Ever  Effectionate   Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


27 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


A  RAINY  NIGHT 


Dere  fokes,  last  nite  I  kweening  went, 
Whereby  my  money  all  wuz   spent, 
Except    ten    cents    which    I    did    save 
By   using   the   koopons   that   they   gave 
At  the  Joonier  Farce   for  the  T.   and 

D. 
That    folks    their   pitchers    mite    go    to 

see. 

It   started   off   a   lovely   nite, 
That   moon   wuz   sure   a   pretty   site, 
I   wore   my   new   sute    and   my   hat 
And    my    black    and    yellow    silk    kra- 

vatte, 
And      the     brand     new      handkercheef 

that  I   bawt. 

When  to   stop   my   cold  I  vainly  sawt, 
And   my   purple    socks   and   my   under- 
ware 

And   sum   lilack  water  in   my  hair, 
And    my    spotted    vest    and    my    gold 

watch    chain, 

For  I  never  knew  it  wuz  going  to  rain. 
My  lady  also  looked  her  best, 
In   all   her  finery   she  wuz   dressed, 
She  wore   her   big   red   hat   and   skirt, 
And    silk    stockings    and    a    pink    lace 

shirt, 

One    glove    she    karried    in    her    hand, 
The   other   being  lost,    I   understand, 
I  sed,  "You  are  a  spritely  Jane," 
She     sed,     "Do    you    think    its    going 

to    rain  ?" 

I   sed,  "You  needn't  worry,  kid," 
She   sez,   "Spose  the   tacksy   kab   shud 

skid." 
"Look    here,"    I    sed,    "Cut    out    this 

tawk," 


"You  know   darn   well   we're   going  to 

walk." 

She  lamped  me  with   a  injured  eye, 
And   sed,    "If   you're   kross,    I'm   going 

to    kry," 

I    sed    "Come   damsel,    kan    the    noise, 
Or  else  I'll  lose  my  mental  poyze." 
She  sed,  "You  are  a  funny  feller, 
You  haint  e'en   brot   me  a  umbreller," 
I    feared   to    wet   my   brand   new   sute, 
And   so   we   took   her   bumbershoot. 
Twuz   pink   and   had   a  broken   handel, 
By   mine   it  cudn't  hold   a  candle, 
But   sence   I'd   left   mine   safe  to   hum, 
When   I  in  the  rainy  nite  had  cum, 
I  cudn't  say  so,  but  I  smiled, 
And  even  so  my  dame  wuz  riled. 
The  movies  had  a  rotten  show, 
That  nite,  but  still  the  steddy  flow 
Of  konversation  from  my  dame 
Kept    me    from    knoeing    the    sheepish 

shame, 
Of    those    who    sleep    and    nod    their 

bed, 
And     make     their    pardners     get     reel 

red. 

When    it   wuz    over    we    went    outside, 
And  then  I  thought  I  wud  have  died, 
For   it  wuz   raining   cats   and   dogs 
And     snakes    and    bugs     and    hopping 

frogs, 

I  never  seed  it  rain   so  hard, 
And      now      our     plezure      sure      wuz 

marred. 

The  parasol  opened,  I  most  did  choke 
For  two  of  its  tender  ribs  wuz  broke. 
I  held  it  to-gether  the  best  I  cud, 


28 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


But    still    it    didn't     akt    the    way    it 

shud, 

We  started  out  bravely  in  the  rain, 
I   tried   to   hold   it   up   over   the   Jane, 
But   she,   ongrateful  thing,   did  say, 
"You   always   have   things   turned   your 

way. 

It   blew   so   hard,   we   had   to   stop 
In  the  front  dore  of  a  baker  shop, 
The    things    in    the    window    warmed 

my  heart, 
But    it    slackened    up,    so    we    had    to 

start 

Agen  for  home,  and  now  afresh, 
The  rain  pinitrated  to  our  flesh. 
My    shoes    wuz    drenched    with    Heav 
en's    tears, 
That  my  sute  wuz  ruined   I  had  grate 

fears, 
When   we   reached   home   at   haff  past 

nine, 
We    both    wuz    reddy    to    hang    on    the 

line. 


The    parrysawl    wuz    a   pittifull    wreck, 

But  reely  I  didn't  care  a  speck, 

My    dame    cawt    her    deth    of    cold,    I 

hear, 

But   I'll  shed  no  tears  at  her  bier, 
I'm   thinking   of   my    sute    and   hat, 
And   socks   and   other  things   like  that, 
They've    shrunk    until    they    can't    be 

worn, 
And     I     of     my     koverings     now     am 

shorn, 

I    fear   my  soshial   life   iz   ended, 
For  all  my  money  iz  expended, 
So  pleze  be  sure   to   send  me  sum, 
Or  else    I'll    have   to    stay   to   hum, 
And  live  in  my  nitegown   all  the  time, 
And    exist    on    my    one    poor    mezely 

dime. 

Goodby,    dere    family,    write    and    save 
Your    son    from    out    a    waterry    grave. 
I'm  thinking  of  you,  ev'ry  wun, 
I    am   your   Ever   Effectionate    Sun, 
JOHNNIE. 


29 


JOHNNIE'S  LETTERS  HOME 


GOODBY 


Dere  fokes,  I'll  sune  be  home  again, 
And  I'll  have  lots  to  tell  you  then. 
About    my    kolledge    life    here    spent, 
My     goodness,     how     the     time     has 

went ; 

The  hour  to  say  "Goodby"  is  near, 
The  exes,  will  usher  me  out,  I  fear, 
The   melankolly  days  have  cum, 
The  saddest  of  the  yere.     I'm  glum 
To     think     that     they'll     foretell     the 

doom 

Of  wun  who  did   so  britely  bloom, 
Espechully   in    Sosiety, 
I've  gained  much   notoriety. 
I've  been  a  kweener,  I'll  admit, 
With  the  wimmin   I   have   made  a  hit. 
The   ummage   that   to    me   they've    fed, 
I   fere  did  almost  turn   my  hed, 
But  later  there  cum   a   Revellation, 
It    cum    in    the    form    of    a    starving 

nation, 
Sense    then    I've     layed    the    wimmin 

by, 
And     sharply     hushed     their     playntiff 

kry, 

Which   rose  when   I   sowt  nobler  ends, 
Uv  my  previuss  folly  made  amends. 
I   am   a  patriot  now,  and  preech 
My  thouts  to   all  those   I   kin   reech, 
I   skeer  the  wimmin   haff  to  deth, 
Whenever  I  take  a  full  deep  breth, 
And    look    with    skorn    at    their    brand 

noo  dresses, 
At   the   Rhine   stones   in   their   frizzled 

tresses. 
When      I     enter     the     Voracity     they 

almost   fly, 
So    skeart   they    are   that    they'll    meet 

my   iye. 

But   on   the  hole   they're   fond   uv   me, 
Most   ev'ry  day  this  fact  I   see, 
When    the    war    iz    over   agen    I'll    try 
To    play    with    the    wimmen,    by    and 

bye, 
But    things    don't    now    look   enny    too 

brite, 


For  an   early  end  to  the   ornery   Fite, 
Eech     day    there    leeves    a    maskiline 

face, 
The     kampus     iz     now     wun     dreery 

place, 

A  few  good  guys  still  hang  around, 
But    they,    I    fere,    will    not    be    found 
Here   long,    except    a    few   uv   us 
Who   are    too   young   to   fite   and   kuss, 
And   others  who   have   funny   iyes 
And    are,    perhaps,    too    small    in    site. 
A   grate   big  tear   fills  my   iye, 
When   I   cum  round   to   saying  "Good 
by." 

No  longer  kan  I  go  each  day, 
And  do  my  bit  on   Channing  Way, 
No   longer   kan   I    spill    mince   pies, 
And     see     fat     girls     from     the     goo 

arise, 

No  longer  kan  I  go  to  teas, 
And  with  the  wimmin   feel  at   eze, 
No   more  kan    I   buy  peppermints, 
And   have  my  noze  dun  up  in   splints, 
Wnen  a  Kold  has  cum  to  visit  me, 
And   made   for   my  wimmin   a   site   to 

see. 

No  longer  kan  I  brave  the  rain, 
(Thank  God  I'll  not  do   this  again), 
It   brakes   my   hart   to    say    Goodby 
To    eech    strong    frendship    and    eech 

tie; 
I    don't    mind    so    much    the    bookish 

Nollidge, 
For    friends    are    the    big    thing    here 

in   kollidge, 
Its     leaving     them     that     makes     me 

sore, 

For  many  wont  be  here  ennymore. 
I  hope  the  Kizer's  blood  iz  spilled, 
And  that  none  of  our  Kollidge  boys 

iz   killed, 

Goodby,  dere   folks,  I'll  see  you  soon, 
Within   the  passing  of   a  moon, 
I  want  to  see  you  ev'ry  wun, 
And     always     am     Your     Effectionate 

Son, 

JOHNNIE. 


30 


f 


Gaylamount 
Pamphlet 
Binder 

Gaylord  Bros.,  Inc. 

Stockton,  Calif. 

T.  M.  Reg.  U.S.  Pat.  Off. 


YC   14656 


M  8966 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


